A Letter to my Son on his First Birthday

 

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Dear Maxwell,

This day has always seemed so far away. I can’t believe you are one years old… and I will probably remain in disbelief for quite some time. Everyone told me, “It goes by so fast, they grow up so quickly. Enjoy every moment.” I often got annoyed at how many times people would tell me those exact words. I struggled imagining you growing so quickly when you were just a little 6lb 12oz bundle fully dependent on me for your very survival. I am ashamed to admit that there were many sleepless nights when I longed for this overly shared wisdom to come true. But here we are, one year later and I only wish I could slow down time.

Motherhood has been the hardest journey I have ever embarked on. There were days during those beginning months I was so exhausted and overwhelmed that I felt I could hardly breathe or open my eyes. Just walking to the bathroom felt like a marathon. I lived in a postpartum blur full of anxiety, but somehow your chest against mine, the smell of your fresh skin, and sound of your sweet cry would always pull me out of the darkness. I felt as though I needed you more than you needed me during that time. You were and still are my light. We were in survival mode together. Learning and growing. Oh, how much we have learned and grown together my little boy.

However, motherhood has also been the most magical, rewarding, and fulfilling experience I have ever encountered. You have taught me so much this year. You have showed me that I am so much stronger than I ever thought was possible. You taught me to slow down and find joy and beauty in the everyday moments of life. Watching the world through your eyes has only opened mine. I see every flower I walk by, hear every plane or firetruck in the distance, and feel the wind and rain brush my cheeks. I find myself giddy while exploring ordinary things with you. Now that I know how fast time really does go, I often find myself just sitting on the kitchen floor watching your every move and expression. Recording our sweet day to day moments in my mind to keep for memories sake. I have learned from you what it means to love unconditionally, to give fully of myself to someone else. The love and trust you give me makes my heart so complete. You have showed me what really matters in life. That the dishes can wait and it’s okay if the laundry gets done another day. That messes are okay, because messes always bring memories.

Above all, you have given me a glimpse into a deeper understanding of our Heavenly Father and His love for us… for me. For I know that the peace and stillness I feel as I rock you to sleep is surely the same peace and contentment that Jesus offers when we rest in Him. My love for you bubbles over so much that I feel compelled to climb to the highest peak on earth and proclaim to the world “I JUST LOVE YOU SO!” God proclaimed His extreme love by giving Himself as an ultimate sacrifice. I know the way my heart bursts with joy when I hear your sweet voice call “Momma” must be how Jesus’s heart feels when one of His children prays to Him.

Being your Momma is the highest accolade I could ever be given. You have made my heart feel ways that I didn’t know were possible. You have filled my soul and very being with gratitude, purpose, and overwhelming love. Maxwell, you are the best thing that has every happened to me (apart from your Daddy, of course).

Today, on your first birthday I can’t help but think about the journey that led us to you. The thousands of prayers, heartbreak, disappointment, and pain. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way, because it is YOU that we celebrate today. And YOU are my everything.

Maxwell, I am so proud of you and the little boy you are becoming. Thank you for giving me the most beautiful year of my life. I can’t wait to watch you continue to grow. I’ll always be here… every step of the way.

Happy Birthday,

Momma