Safe Haven

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I distinctly remember the time when I was at a picnic gathering with my family. I don’t think I had even reached the double digits of my life yet.  There were long tables covered in plastic table cloths piled high with everyone’s favorite picnic food. At the end of one table were all the desserts. I have always had a sweet tooth and chocolate chip cookies have always called my name. I walked up to the table and got myself apparently what was “another” cookie, when a lady stated, “Another cookie, haven’t you had enough? Are you sure you need another one?” I put the cookie back and walked away feeling quite hurt and rather confused by this comment. Though I didn’t exactly understand it at the time, it was this comment that changed my relationship with food and my body.

I grew very self conscious of how much food was on my plate when I was eating with other people for fear of being judged or someone thinking I was eating too much. At potlucks and parties I would take smaller portions and never go back for seconds. When I would go out to eat with new people I would make sure to order an item that was small or the healthiest option available. Of course, around family and friends I didn’t feel nearly as self conscious as when I was with older adults or in an unfamiliar place.

In my early teens I had an encounter with a pogo stick and lost my front tooth. That was the beginning of a lifetime of dental work, surgeries, and liquid diets. Shortly after the original accident and surgeries I lost a bit of weight due to being unable to chew. I liked the “skinnier” version of myself and realized less food was what was needed to maintain this smaller size. Thus began the mental battle and the start of an eating disorder.

I spent the next decade of my life gaining and losing weight as I attempted to control this unhealthy relationship between food and how I viewed by body. I spent time in professional counseling, lectures from my doctor, food journals, etc. I never let myself get to the point where a feeding tube or hospitalization was needed. I knew my limits. I have had three episodes that I distinctly remember losing about 10-20 pounds in a short amount of time. Ninety pounds was generally the lowest I would go.

I know there are many girls and boys out there, too many, that suffer from being somewhere on the spectrum of eating disorders. This distorted mindset triggers sick choices and takes lives. While partially responsible, I believe we put too much blame for this behavior on Hollywood, billboards, and magazines. We need to take a look at ourselves. What are we telling our children? What message are we sending our little girls when they hear Mommy complaining about her body as she tries on clothes in the store, or stepping on the scale and groaning? Is it healthy that parents often use food as a reward or bribe for their kids? These are questions that I ask myself as I am preparing to raise a child of my own. I know that I will always struggle with my weight and how I perceive myself in the mirror, but I never once want my son or daughter to feel ashamed of how they look or to have an unhealthy relationship with food. As women we should be supporting each other in raising children of virtue and integrity who find their worth and identity in the One who created them.

And yes, while this child is miraculously growing and developing in my womb my body has certainly undergone lots of changes! I would be lying if I did not admit these changes have brought mixed emotions. On one hand, I love the fact that my body is a safe haven for my developing child and my changing body is absolutely necessary for his development. I marvel that the most advanced neonatal ICUs cannot begin to provide the same level of care that a woman’s own body provides. God’s design is truly miraculous.

On the other hand, as you can imagine from reading the first part of this post, I have had a hard time adjusting to the rapid weight gain and new shape my body has taken on. I am certainly not proposing any changes to God’s incredible design. I do think its important to know however, that each woman may adjust to these “pregnancy design changes” differently. Amongst all the pleasantries directed my way in the past few months like “Oh, you look so good, you’re so tiny!” or “You are all belly, girl,” the most genuine and validating comment I have received came from one of my patients. I had a cute little old Spanish woman who gently patted my hips and said “Oh yes, you are carrying a boy! Look at those hips! You are such a beautiful Momma”. Call me crazy, but her comment actually made me feel good. I shouted, “Thank you!” I felt validated by the fact that someone was being honest and acknowledged the fact that my whole body was changing during pregnancy.

As women, let’s support each other. Let’s acknowledge and validate each others feelings. Let’s live in a world where it’s okay to share our struggles and our challenges that we face during pregnancy and motherhood, especially for first time mommies who don’t have any previous experience to turn to. We shouldn’t judge other women who struggle more from the changes of pregnancy or make them feel like they aren’t a good mother. Growing a human can be physically exhausting, emotionally taxing, and beautiful. All at the same time. Now pass me another chocolate chip cookie.