12: You are Not Alone

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Infertility has a way of making you feel all alone in the world. As if you are the only one battling the diagnosis. People feel sorry for you, pity you, and try to offer their sympathies, but no amount of condolence fills the loneliness.

At this stage in my life I’m surrounded by pregnancy announcements on social media, baby shower invites, and parents talking about their child’s latest accomplishment. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be included. I want my friends to share their life’s special moments with me. I will be happy and excited for you, but that doesn’t remove the fact that your pregnancy announcement reminds me of the emptiness and longing for my own.

In the beginning, this was beyond hard for me. I would cry at pregnancy announcements and feel a burning anger inside. I want a baby more than they do. I deserve a baby more than they do. I am better fit to be a mother than she is. These evil thoughts would pour from within. I would quickly pray, “Dear God, what is the matter with me?! How could I think such thoughts? Please take this away!” The more I prayed for God to remove these disgusting thoughts the more He filled me with His love and peace. One by one God melted away these feelings and began to reveal to me that though it was okay to feel sad, it wasn’t my place to decide who deserved a child and who did not.

It has only been through A LOT of prayer and time spent with Jesus that I have come to accept our infertility as a blessing. You may be reading this and be completely shocked that I would even dare put the word infertility and blessing in the same sentence. This journey has been so difficult and emotional that it ultimately brought me to the place where I realized I simply could not get through this without a solid spiritual foundation. Through this journey God revealed himself to me in so many beautiful ways. A flame was kindled within my heart to get to know Him better and spend more time in His word. I wouldn’t wish infertility on ANYONE, but if infertility is what it takes to get me connected and to grow my relationship with God, I would do it all over again. Truth is, although I want a baby, I need God. My desire for God should be my first priority. How can I be the mother I desire to be without a relationship founded in God first? How can I raise a child to have a heart for God if I don’t have one myself? These are questions I believe we should all be asking.

It has been through this struggle that I have found I am NOT alone and you are NOT alone either. There is a God who cares about you more than you could even imagine. Sometimes it’s hard to see Him or understand our trials, but don’t give up. Looking back, even during some of my dark days when I didn’t feel like God was there, I can now see that He was orchestrating even the smallest events to lead me in a closer walk with him.

Through whatever challenges you have faced, know that you were not alone then, you are not alone now, and you will not be alone tomorrow. God stands by us and will never leave because He has plans for our lives that supersede even our own dreams. Baby or not, I am finding peace in  God’s plan for me one day at a time.

Start today by trusting him a little bit more than you did yesterday and then. . . watch Him work.