11: The Perfect Storm

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You guessed it- no big fat positive (BFP) pregnancy tests were had and we were off to yet another appointment with Dr. B to move on to the next step. If you recall the next step in this process for us was to undergo IUI (intrauterine insemination). As my friend describes it: “It’s like what they do on farms to get the cow pregnant!”. Um… ya, basically.

I’m going to preface this post by saying how unnatural and awkward this next step is. However, I have determined to write openly and honestly about all aspects of this journey. Perhaps by being candid about the infertility process I can help start a conversation and break the silence and shame that infertility can bring.

So here we go. An IUI is performed in the doctors office where they wash and spin your partners semen and place it inside the uterus. This augments your chances of conception as only 10% of sperm make it past the cervix the usual way. To prepare for this procedure, medication is given to stimulate follicle growth. An ultrasound is performed on cycle day 12 and if a follicle is large enough (at least 18mm), a trigger shot is given that induces ovulation. The next day the IUI is performed. The idea is to create a “perfect storm” by stimulating your body with medications and placing sperm in the correct location. It’s very romantic.

Statistically, the chance that an IUI will be successful is about 10% per cycle. After three unsuccessful attempts, the odds of success drop further. However, an IUI cycle is very inexpensive compared to IVF and therefore a lot of people do at least a few rounds of IUI prior to moving on to IVF unless otherwise contraindicated. Given the previously stated odds, our doctor recommended no more than 3 cycles. We agreed to proceed and our first IUI cycle took place in December 2017.

I was placed on Letrozole 5mg on days 3-7 of my cycle. This medication stimulates your follicles to grow nice and plump. It has far less side effects and a lower chance of multiples compared to Clomid. The only side effects I felt were major hot flashes during the night. Like wake up and stand in the freezer during the night kinda of hot flashes. And I have to go through this again during menopause?! I went in on cycle day 12 for an ultrasound and had a perfect follicle ready to go. I gave myself the trigger shot, just a little injection that goes into the fat of your belly, and went in the next day for our first IUI.

I was excited. It was Christmas time and I was sure this would be our Christmas miracle. Matthew tends to keep statistics in mind and thus tried not to get his hopes up. Ten percent.

We waited in a small office room until the sperm was washed. The nurse came in and verified that the  syringe she was holding in-fact had my husband’s name on it. This kind of thing bears double-checking, or triple. We signed the consent. After the insertion, the nurse tilted the table back and told me to lay there for 15 minutes and left the room. As we held hands and waited, we started to chuckle. Never in my life did I think that our baby would be made in a doctors office laying on a cold table with bright fluorescent lights and a third person in the room. For as many tears that we shed during this process, we certainly had moments we could laugh through.

The two week wait (TWW) is the longest two weeks of your life. With every belly twitch or cramp, I tried to imagine and hope that it was somehow related to a successful implantation. Our TWW ended on Christmas day. We debated if we would take a pregnancy test on Christmas or wait. On one side it could be the best Christmas gift and on the other hand it could lead to a very disappointing holiday. We both kept telling ourselves that the chances of this actually working were slim, but I hoped, oh how I hoped this would work.

I couldn’t wait any longer and decided to take a pregnancy test Christmas day. I had taken several of these throughout the past year, but I was so nervous this time. Matthew jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom with me. I could see the hope and longing in his sleepy eyes. Three minutes went by as we waited for the test result……

Only one pink line stared up at us from the test strip. No Christmas miracle this year.

Our hearts sunk and tears rolled down my cheeks. We were both more disappointed than we had imagined we would be. As we held each other and cried, Matthew looked at me and said “I get it, I now get what you have been going through and feeling all this time.” It broke my heart that Matthew was now truly feeling deep pain and sadness from not being able to conceive, but there was also some comfort in knowing that he was experiencing the same depth of emotion that I had been feeling for some time. We went on with our day and had several private breakdowns as we tried to make the best of Christmas with our families.

It was a rough few days, but we slowly began to work our way out of the disappointment and focus on the next IUI.